Discovering God through a baby.

I know, 2 posts in 24 hours, right? Don't get used to it :)

Yesterday was a very hard day.  Yesterday was not an easy day compared to the other days of the past 4 weeks. At the end of the day, when Bekham was down for the night (Thank God I can count on long sleep cycles at night!) I started praying which is very normal for me these days. I find the best prayer time I have is at the end of the day when I am crawling in bed, literally at the end of myself. Many revelations invaded my prayer time. First and foremost: my prayer started with me selfishly telling God how exhausted I was and begging for an easier day tomorrow. Almost immediately, this is what invaded my mind: as hard as today was ... my boy is alive and well (believe me ... the way he cries ... his lungs are healthy as can be). I have been reading so many blogs lately that are heart breaking and I feel as though it would be selfish to ever complain about a bad day with a boy who is living, breathing, and healthy. I know there are many other moms that would give anything to have a baby crying and screaming and count it as a blessing. I immediately changed my selfish prayers to an outpouring of gratitude for the gift I've been given and entrusted wtih. As I reflected on my relationship with Bekham, my eyes were opened to God's desires for relationship with us. My mind just kept thinking of so many similarities between God's love for us and desires for us and how it parallels my love and desire for Bekham. I hope I can express in words what was going through my head last night! If i don't do it now, I'll never remember!!

1. When Bekham is crying and screaming (usually due to hunger or colic)- I just want to tell him to open his eyes! There is someone right in front of his face willing to give him what he needs, to comfort him, to provide for him, to be everything he needs in that moment. But often times he just leaves his eyes closed and continues to cry out. I can't help but imagine this is what we look like or act like with God. If things aren't going our way, or if we have a desperate need or desire that we think we cannot live without, God is literally right there waiting to be that comfort, that provider, everything we need at that moment. Can I open my eyes and see Him? Run to Him? Rest in Him?

2. Often times Bekham will get in a zone and just stare at a fan. Or a rattle toy. Or the ceiling. Even window sills, door frames, lights, walls, the list goes on. I call his name over and over again. I stroke his face. I make ridiculous noises. All in an effort to get his attention. To speak to him while holding eye contact with him. While often times, I am successful, there are definite times when he will NOT break his stare with inanimate objects. Again, I think of God competing with all of the distractions in our world. (Which are significantly more exciting than ceilings, walls, and fans). Do I refuse to hear God's voice or His calling because I am too distracted by things of this world? Is he calling my name but I am too focused on something else to notice, to hear?

3. Because Bekham has colic, there are many times it seems he is just going to cry it out and there is nothing anyone can do to stop him or alleviate his situation. However, if I hold him and rock him and sing to him and shush him long enough, he eventually gives in, goes completely limp, and sleeps harder than ever when he is in my arms. In the cradle he may last 1-2 hours. In the crib, 5-10 minutes. In my arms or on my chest- he sleeps so soundly I often have to move to wake him. His sleep is deepest with me. He fights and fights and fights, but when he gives in, its angelic sleep and he is more peaceful than ever. I feel like this is how we are with God. We may fight his plan and his will, but eventually, if we give in, truly rest in his embrace, the rest is peaceful and it is good and it is perfect. And we will be most content there. We may find rest in people, or in things, but this pleasure is temporary. Rest with our Creator is eternal.

There were so many others that came to mind- like knowing Bekham's needs before he does. When he wakes up ready to eat, I am not dumbfounded. When he needs a new diaper, I am not surprised nor caught off guard. I have diapers and wipes ready. His milk supply is always within reach for him.

There are things I do for him that he hates and cause him discomfort, but are for his best interest. Like putting lotion on after a bath. He hates it. Am I doing it because he's been bad? Or because I'm punishing him? No, I'm doing it because I know his dry skin needs lotion and its what is best for him. Does he like stripping down at the doctor's office? No, but I know whats best for him despite how he perceives it.

I haven't even hit on the obvious one: Unconditional love. I feel like any parent grasps that concept of our God immediately upon the birth of their child. There's no doubt in my mind God's love for us is unconditional. If I can love my son the way I do, my mind cannot begin to grasp how much God must love His creation.

So thank you Lord- for giving me such tangible examples of the relationship you desire with me. Thank you that you have used this little boy to draw me closer to you. Thank you for teaching me more about yourself through this precious little life.

Remember December

I should be sleeping right now instead of blogging. My sweet little peanut has been fighting me since 7am to take a decent nap. He seems to believe 5-10 minutes is sufficient and then he would like to eat again... whether his last feeding was half an hour ago, or 5 minutes ago. Can't say I'm thrilled with this pattern of behavior. He refuses to sleep longer than 10 minutes in his crib.. THIS IS A PROBLEM.

Big things have been happening since I last posted! It's crazy that its been 3 weeks since then. Time is already flying (even though some days I swear its crawling!) We are finally, successfully, breastfeeding normally/naturally. I am so thankful for this answer to prayer. I could not have maintained the other regimen I was on. As soon as I put a call into the lactation department at North Fulton, Bekham shaped up! And I am so just so proud of him! No more nipple shields. No more pumping. I feel like a free woman. Well, until today, when I tried every possible trick to get this kid to sleep and he still refused. Finally got him at 3:15pm. We started the day at 7:00am. Little stinker. Had me in tears most of the day. Good thing he's cute. Somehow, he managed to smile every time I looked at him with tears running down my face. Not sure if this is a God-thing, or if he just thinks I look funny when I cry. I suppose it doesn't really matter. I have the cutest kid in the world.

December was eventful for us. We saw Santa. Correction. I saw Santa. Bekham slept through the entire event. We made gingerbread houses. We went to Jackson's Christmas play. We went to my office dinner party. We went to our small group Christmas party. Bekham was a champ for every event. Mostly sleeping in the car seat, but he behaved nonetheless! Trips to Publix, Walmart, and stores of the like have not had such high success rates, but we will get there. (I must tell myself this or I'll go crazy.) Thankfully Mom has still been helping out and giving me opportunities to get to the store, get some shut eye, cook dinner, etc. I'm working my way into doing everything alone. She's weaning me.

Well, my baby is a month old already. Sounds older than it really is. Only 4 weeks ago I was pushing this sweet, smiling, cooing bundle out of my body. 4 weeks is not that long ago in my mind. Now he's already outgrown his adorable newborn outfits, he enjoys baths, he smiles and talks to me while changing him, and he engages with his toys. Its amazing to watch how much he changes day to day. He has already gained 2 pounds (Possibly more- we go to the doctor tomorrow). Clearly he's a boy and enjoys food, just like his daddy (and mommy...)

Let's see, other events of the month

1. Bekham developed colic. We purchased Gripe Water. Thank God for Gripe Water. The best part about his colic episodes are when he reaches the end and falls asleep INSTANTLY cheek to cheek with me. Gosh I love it.
2. Bekham caught pink eye. We purchased drops for $125 thanks to not having insurance quite yet.
3. Bekham's first Christmas. He didn't sleep through this event! Bek made out VERY well this year for having no idea what was going on!!
4. Bekham met his Aunt Kelly and Uncle Tim for the first time. He loved them both!
5. Bekham had Face Time with family in PA. He was awake for it! Spit up for them live!
6. Bekham slept in his crib for the first time. Short and sweet, but he still did it.

Surely I've left out 100 other things that have happened. December is a crazy month! I will ATTEMPT to be more diligent about blogging more often to avoid my forgetfulness! 

Highlights of December in photos:

 Wouldn't have my sanity without Grammie!

 Nothing beats post-bath Bekham!

 Bek's first gingerbread house, in all blues :)

 Santa with the little elf!

 He was a sleepy boy this day!

 I feel as if I can never quite capture his angelic sleep face.

 I mean just look at this boy! I could eat him up!

 So he's made more attractive faces than this, but these were his Christmas Eve jammies!

Again, post-bath pictures. YUM!

The Joys of Motherhood

Wow I was really hoping to be better about blogging while Bekham was napping! There is just too much to do when that boy falls asleep and usually that is to eat. It seems impossible to find time to eat- and when I do- its often with one hand and becomes a balancing act! If I'm not eating, I'm usually pumping, sterilizing, tidying up the house, washing dirty baby clothes etc. I do NOT know how I will manage when my Mom leaves. She has been a God send! Not only does she help keep the house in order, watch him when I shower, handle and coordinate dinners, do laundry, dishes, etc., but she takes Bekham after his last feeding at night (usually 10:30pm) and stays awake with him, then puts him in our room when he falls asleep a little after midnight and it lets me get a good 2 hour start on sleep! Lately Bekham has been logging 4-5 hours between this 10:30 feeding and his next, which means I am getting that much straight sleep (until Mom leaves...) It is glorious. He has already synced himself into a little schedule. He takes a good, solid 3-4 hour nap after his 8:00 feeding, then he has off and on awake time through the rest of the day. The hours between 4-7 tend to be his witching hours. He wants to eat non stop, and if he isn't eating, he's crying and rooting like you haven't fed him in days. He makes me laugh! Once he gets over his episode around dinner time- he eats about every 2 hours, and then, as I stated above, logs a good long sleep for me until about 3:00am.

I love being a mom already! It is a demanding schedule. We change a diaper. We nurse for a good 30 minutes to an hour. Then I pump for a good 20-30 minutes. By the time I sterilize all the equipment and sit down to eat or prop my feet up, we are on the countdown to the next feeding session! It is a never ending cycle! It's crazy. Often times I tell myself formula would be SO much easier, but I just can't compromise the health benefits of my milk, so as long as he's eating it, we are going to go for it. Plus, there is just nothing like the time I spend nursing him. It's just the best bond I have with him. And when he's finished, he snuggles right up against my chest and there is truly no greater feeling in the world. My guilty pleasure is to fall asleep with him like this in the mornings around 6:00am and it is pure bliss.

The biggest challenge we have right now is getting Bekham to latch on. We are currently using a nipple shield to get him to nurse, but slowly, we are attempting to wean him off of the crutch! Today, he finally successfully latched on for 2 feedings after I tricked him into thinking the nipple shield was on!

The biggest milestones of week 1: Bekham got his first bath (and second, and third) and his cord has fallen off (YIPEE!) Bekham was CONSTANTLY soaking through outfits due to the folded down diapers to accommodate his cord. Now finally we can put the diapers on as they should go on! It's the small things in life now :) Well, as promised, here are some pictures of our sweet new baby boy! We are madly in love and thankful for such a precious miracle!

Getting his first bath. Not sure how we captured this shot since he was literally SCREAMING through this entire process!

 First family photo! So glad the labor was over at this moment in time!

I love this face despite the classic hospital swaddler! This is just the sweetest face I've ever laid eyes on!

 

Dressed and ready to take our bundle of joy home!

Going home!!!

Swaddled in Grammie's arms

Love this face. Yep- in his white tee.

First bath. He is just so tiny, I love it!

Baby feet!

I melt every time I look at this picture.

Nothing better than when we lock eyes!

Don't you love him!?

His Grammie made this quilt, had to get a shot of the quilt tag!

There are so many more, believe me. I just don't want to go out of control! Signing off for now!

Birthing Bekham!

I was really hoping to get around to this a lot sooner. I was obviously unfamiliar with the demands of a newborn! However, I'd take the lack of sleep any day over having spare time to blog. This miracle of a life is absolutely precious. The love I have for him is immeasurable and the coolest thing about it is that this little boy had done NOTHING to earn it. So cool to think about God's love for all of us in this new perspective.

Anyways, I really wanted to share Bekham's birth story for many reasons. Primarily because it was a major life changing event for me and I don't want to forget one detail of the process, but also because some people have asked to hear the story! Pretend this is TiVo and I am hitting rewind from where we are today!

Saturday afternoon, while watching the Iron Bowl, I began feeling consistent, mild contractions. By consistent I mean about every 5 minutes. By mild, I mean, I could easily continue with the activities I was doing without a problem (showering, getting ready for the night, watching TV etc.) I called my mid-wife and she said to take a bath or drink a lot of water- sounded like I could be dehydrated. Well, I drank water, but didn't have time to get in the bath as we were heading over for my sister-in-law's birthday dinner. Once Nick and I were both ready, I made sure we had all of our bags packed, simply because I knew the mild pain I was experiencing was something I had never had before and something was up. We headed over for a family birthday party and I basically laid on the couch the entire time. Eventually almost everyone was in there with me watching me track my contractions. We ended up leaving about 2 hours later to go home and try to labor for awhile before making a decision about going to the hospital. Again, at this point, I could pretty much continue normal activity while having the contractions. We decided to drive through Chick-fil-A as I hadn't eaten since about 1pm. Knowing there could be a long night ahead of us, I got some food in my stomach. Praise the Lord!

We got home and I decided to bake some birthday cupcakes to share with the nursing staff to honor their assistance in bringing Bekham into the world. Literally, as soon as they were done, cooled, and frosted, we made the decision to go to North Fulton. They were starting to get stronger and more frequent, although still nothing unbearable or concerning. Once we got there, Diane, our midwife, came to check my progress. As of Wednesday, my last appointment, I was 4cm. I laid on the table and said, "Please don't tell me I'm still 4cm." Well, she did. She suggested we walk the halls for an hour and then come back to make the decision to stay or go home. Well, as soon as we started walking, they started increasing in intensity. After about an hour and half, we talked to Diane and decided to stay. They were getting painful enough to where neither Nick nor myself wanted to be anywhere but the hospital. About another half hour later, we were admitted and in our labor and delivery room. Let me pause here to say, I had a bag of tricks packed to handle contractions and labor. Never unzipped the bag. Never handed a nurse my birth plan! All of that was completely out the window once the contractions hit! It's actually laughable now. HOWEVER. My midwife knew I wanted to go natural and that was all she needed to know to help make it happen the way I envisioned it.

We were hooked up to the monitor to make sure they could get a reactive strip on Bekham during my contractions. This part was miserable. At first I had to take the contractions laying in bed (the worst!) Eventually, Nick asked the nurse if I could at least stand up as i couldn't handle them on my back. She let us stand up and we watched each contraction come and go. Peak, and then release. It was awful. As they started to come, I would just reach up and put my hands around Nick's neck and we would rock back and forth. He would do as much as he could to console and encourage me. He was AMAZING. I wouldn't trade him for a doula! They stated to get incredibly painful and we called a nurse in to ask for a check. Diane came and said we were at 6cm and suggested I try laboring in the tub and shower. So we did that. Probably for about an hour and then even that got to be too much for me. Talk about a humbling experience. It was at this time in labor that I realized there was no more conservative laboring. I drank some juice, then we went back to the room and I laid on the bed again as the standing was getting too painful as well. At this point- I was miserable and inconsolable. I was crying and hyperventilating in between contractions and started with the "I can't do this!" Nick continually asked me if I wanted the epidural and I kept saying no. At this point- I said I needed help. He called a nurse in, and she was great. She told me we had options before the epidural. I still am not 100% sure of what they gave me, but it didn't stop the pain. It just mellowed me out. It was a narcotic and it made me fall into somewhat of a daze. It actually helped in between contractions, but no relief during the contractions. It got so bad again, the nurse checked me, and at this point we were 9cm! The nurse went to get Diane and she told me she could break my water to get me to 10cm. That's what we did. I was sobbing like a baby at this point. We had no more options for pain medicine as we were to the pushing point. I remember telling Diane I was too scared of the pain to keep going. She kept assuring me this was the end. I could do it. I believed her... somehow! Well, this started a literal hellish experience.

Pushing was the hardest thing I have ever gone through/felt/experienced. It was also taxing on Nick. The nurses asked him to sit down, offered him cool wash rags, and Gingerale. He was about to pass out! I was the obnoxious person that screams out loud in the movies and on TV. It took us over an hour to get this cone head out! I was pushing through my legs and halting his progress. I could feel myself refusing to push when it came time. Finally, the nurses told me his heart rate was dropping and I needed to get him out. That was obviously all I needed to hear to get him out. With legs shaking uncontrollably, I pushed like I was expelling ORGANS from my body. It was so uncomfortable and awful. But then out he came and Diane handed him right to me. SCREAMING. Best noise ever! I apologized to him over and over again for giving him a cone head. We got to hold him like this for about an hour before anyone took him from us. It was bliss. Nick cut the cord, and when he did, Bekham grabbed the scissors! It was hilarious! The rest is a blur. My mom and Nick's mom came to see him. They took him for his Vitamin K shot and sponge bath. I was forced to go to the bathroom and try to pee. Let me tell you (sorry if any males happen to be reading this)- that is just MEAN to ask a woman to push pee out after she just pushed a child out (and tore a little). I sat there for a good 10 minutes- legs and body quivering- and the nurse kept asking if I had gone to the bathroom. I literally looked at her at the end of the 10 minutes and said, "This really isn't going to happen right now." She let me get up at that point and I managed to walk to the wheel chair to go to our recovery room. Oh. My. Gosh. The pain that followed the labor was awful. Sitting hurt. Walking hurt. Going to the bathroom hurt. Getting in and out of bed hurt. I have never asked for so much help in my whole life, but I could not take care of myself for a good 12 hours. (Things no one tells you when you are pregnant!)

The rest will be in my memory forever (and in pictures to come)! I couldn't possibly blog every single detail of this amazing experience, but I wanted to get as much of it out as possible! Bekham entered our world on November 27th at 4:22am. He weighed 8 pounds 2 ounces and was 20.5 inches long. He appears to have reddish hair, but its hard to be completely sure at this point. He has long fingers and long toes and he is absolutely perfect in every way imaginable! The main take aways I want to remember about this birth:

1. My husband was an incredible ROCK for me during the entire process. Never once was he distracted/checking his phone etc. He was touching me and talking to me through every pain and every moment of my labor. I have never felt so close to him as I have over the past 4 days. He has loved me in ways I cannot describe, but I am so thankful for him.

2. My midwife was a blessing from God. She took me as a patient at 36 weeks and was there to deliver this baby for me 4 weeks later. She acted like she had known me her entire life and she acted like this child inside of me was her own. Always calling him cutie when she checked on him along the way. She was a source of spiritual encouragement and physical encouragement. She knew I wanted this baby naturally and she did everything in her power to make it happen. I am so thankful for that woman. I couldn't have done it without her.

I will be posting pictures in future posts. I just needed to get the story out while it was all still so fresh on my mind. I cannot thank God enough for this miracle. He is a pure joy and I love him with my entire heart. I have probably kissed him over a million times. I have probably told him I loved him over a hundred times. This child is an answer to so many prayers of mine and desires of my heart. I have wanted him since I was old enough to babysit and he is finally here. Thank the Lord for a healthy pregnancy, a healthy labor, and a healthy boy! This is truly a memory that will be engrained in my memory for all time.