Confidence and Joy!

I am thrilled to be writing this entry so soon after the previous one. Let me preface by saying, Bekham still doesn't sleep well. He still cries. A lot. He now has separation anxiety JUST TO SPICE THINGS UP!!!

BUT. And it's a good but. It's a wonderful but!! 

Where there was depression there is now JOY.
Where there was hopelessness there is now CONFIDENCE.
Where there was loneliness there is now FRIENDSHIP.
Where there was fatigue, oh who am I kidding. That ones not going anywhere :)

So much has happened since the last post it feels like it MUST have been a month! Some good news, GREAT news rather:

1. Allergy panel came back clear! Backstory: worse than shots!! They blew a vein in one arm and had to start over in the next arm. He was pitiful. So was I.

2. Ultrasound on belly came back clear! Backstory- was told to come in at 8am and Bekham was to have had nothing to eat or drink for previous 4 hours. HAH. Allow me to laugh again. HAH. My child eats every 2-3 hours during the day. At night he prefers no nurse non stop! I fed him at 5:15 (shhh!!!) we got there after waking him up at 7. There's a reason they say don't wake a sleeping baby! We arrive with a very unhappy child who is starving and exhausted.. Then he is asked to lay still on a table for a 30 minute ultrasound. HAH (I thought). But I was wrong this time. I sang in his ear the while 30 minutes AND he sucked his paci! WIN!

3. Bekham now takes paci at naps and at night!! It involved some force but wow was it worth it!!

4. We've cut a tooth!

5. We are sitting up!

6. We can go 4-5 hours on first night stretch alone in crib. Ok. This has happened twice, but still!!

7. We have successfully kept down applesauce.

8. My personal Favorite About 15 moms (and 1 non-mom, just great friend!) reached out to me after my last post. Talk about the Church in action! I've witnessed Jesus physically use others as His hands and feet to comfort me, encourage me, support me, help me, offer advice, offer sympathy. Simply give a hug. It's been rejuvenating. I feel like a new woman. NOT because Bekham is any easier. But because Jesus is invading my life in a way I've never known until now and it is glorious. I don't know sho I've become but all of a sudden, bouncing Bekham at ungodly hours isn't hard. A 20 minute nap doesn't frustrate me nearly as often. I have my weak moments, don't get me wrong!! But God is at work in this mom! And I can taste it. I can see and feel it!

 I now face the battle of exercise. I love it. My body craves it. I need it! Bekham on the other hand would rather I sit around and eat Bon-Bons! He hates the stroller and he hates being left in the nursery. The nursery workers give up on him after 15 minutes. SERIOUSLY??? Try harder! Only kidding! Some days this gets to me, but most days I can stick a work out DVD in and be okay with a lazy work out. I know I always have weekends. And I know it won't always be like this. Again. Who am I? I wouldn't have had this outlook a couple weeks ago.

So- Bekham is a blast now. You'll soon see why I can finally have such a dramatic change in blog mood in only 2 short weeks.

He laughs at almost everything I do to make an idiot out of myself. Exhibit A

He has finally figured out how to actually jump/bounce in his jumperoo. Exhibit B

I could post like 12 more videos to make you fall in love with him. Chances are 2 was probably all you really felt like watching, IF you even watched both of them :)

I do want to take a moment to thank EACH of you who message me, emailed me, texted me, checked in on me, hugged me, prayed for me. Your prayers have done wonders. Again- my baby hasn't changed. I HAVE. But that is what needed to happen as I reflect on the past 6 months. My selfishness had to be eliminated. My quest for perfection had to be destroyed. There is no perfect parent and that fact was reinforced at Church this morning. Less of me = More of Jesus.

Please don't stop praying for us! I appreciate each one of you!

Survival Mode

Survival Mode is the only way to describe my life right now. Get through each day by keeping my child alive and keeping myself alive. I can't even put into words the stress, the emotion, the frustration, the exhaustion, the fatigue, the depression that is my life right now. Bekham is the biggest trial/challenge that I've ever faced (which is obviously a blessing in disguise.) I have never seen a kid function on such little sleep, have so many stomach issues/reflux issues etc. I'm sure they are out there. But I never babysat them. Maybe, looking back on it, parents with these types of babies don't hire babysitters. I sure don't. Failure feels like my middle name. I can't even tell you how many times I've texed, called, or emailed someone to cancel/bail on previously made plans because of my child. My child who cries inconsolably for no apparent reason. Who roots around on my chest regardless of when he last ate. Who now throws up after eating solids (first hospital visit under our belt, along with $250 out of our wallet). My child who has reflux. Who cannot sleep on his own for longer than about 45 minutes during the day and THAT is stretching it. Who can only sleep about 2 hours on his own at night. Who co-sleeps with me the rest of the night CONSTANTLY latched on and sucking to pacify himself. Co-sleeping is a joke. This co-sleeper is co-awake. The little co-sleeper is sleeping if you consider thrashing me "sleep." I hardly have time to do a load of laundry or unload the dishwasher before this kid is awake from a nap. Did I mention I still have to find time to work 4 hours a day? SOMEONE. SAVE ME. PLEASE?

I am so weary of reading blog posts and facebook posts about perfect sweet angel sleeping babies. I am happy for these moms, I truly am, but it does nothing for my emotional instability. I love Bekham and I wouldn't trade him for a baby who sleeps through the night. Don't get me wrong. But that doesn't mean I want to be bombarded by moms who seem to have everything under control. I always believed I was created to be a mommy. I also truly believed I would be good at it. The best in fact (for my kid- not someone else's!) Yet another failure. I lose my cool. I lose my patience. I am in tears quite often. This is not the Mom I wanted to be. Nor is it the wife I want to be. I wanted to make this job look easy to Nick. I wanted him to think it was the most natural thing in the world for me to raise Bekham. I wanted him to love me more because of the Mom I am/was. I think Nick probably wants 0 more kids. I am a disaster. We don't sleep. We can't do much extracurricular activity with Bek (or without). Today I told Nick he could go golfing with the guys. Guess who screamed ALL day and slept NONE? That's right. Bekham. (And me!) Usually the crying adds up to maybe a half hour total for a whole day. Sleep is probably a close competitor :) But today.... if you added up his crying/screaming, we are talking HOURS. Maybe 4 or 5? He was plain unhappy and every time we got him to sleep, the minute we lowered him into crib, awake and whining. On normal days, we can set him in crib once he's asleep and he'll go at least 15 minutes. We aren't even getting 15 seconds out of him. Literally. Losing. My. Mind.

All this to say- if it were just a sleep issue, I could get by on being tired. Throw in inconsolable crying- I'm shaky. Throw in vomiting after adding solids to the diet KNOWING this means I'm even MORE chained to breastfeeding than ever... I'm a disaster. I was LIVING for the day that solids could get us past the 2-3 hour cycle feedings. HAH. God is CLEARLY working on developing patience in me. I do believe that God is teaching me and molding me through all of this. Sacrificial love. Patience. Endurance. Perseverance. Humility. 99% of the time- I am just flat out unattractive. Even when I "do my hair and makeup" - i use this term loosely, I feel ugly. Even after buying new bright summer clothes, I feel fat and unattractive. My perspective is tainted, I know. Please don't start an intervention for me. I am very in tune with my condition.

Why am I writing this may be your natural next question. Because I refuse to fake a perfect family of 3 existence over here. We are struggling. This is hard. However, we are confident that God will give us the grace we need each day to survive this phase. We are confident God chose US to be Bekham's parents for a reason. That ALONE enables me to do the work I need to do each day. It is well with my soul that this is "our lot." I accept it. I embrace it. I PRAY that this too shall pass and we will look back on this time with rose colored glasses and say "it wasn't really that bad." I am confident that WILL NOT happen but one can dream, right?

Bekham- if you ever read this- which would also shock me- I love you more than you'll ever fully grasp. You make me SO mad when you insist that I bounce you to sleep for half an hour and my back aches. You make me SO mad when you wake up 10 minutes after I lay you down. BUT. The minute we lock eyes- the anger is gone. You melt my heart. You make me laugh. You make me proud to be your mom even if I fail you OVER and OVER and OVER. You bring your dad and I such joy. We sat and laughed today together at one point while you were having a crying spell that we couldn't shake you out of. YOU ARE SUCH A HARD BABY TO TAKE CARE OF. But you are EASY to love. EASY. You are kissed more than you probably prefer. Your daddy and I love to kiss you on the lips :) You'll be embarrassed now if you are reading this. I love your little shape and size so much. I kiss all over you right before bath time. You reach for our faces with your little hands and my heart stops. You are perfect. You have the sweetest little feet. You are obsessed with them. You have a skinny little belly and you laugh when I kiss you on your belly button. You are ticklish on your thighs and feet and armpits. You love to play with flowers or any greenery/plant. You love the pool. You love fountains. You love tupperware. You hate your carseat. You hate the jogging stroller. You hate sleep. You love food but your body can't tolerate it and it breaks my heart. My dreams of eating butternut squash together have been shattered! You are in no hurry to crawl and I am 100% okay with that despite your buddies who are all very close to getting mobile. The longer you wait to crawl, the more you need me to pick you up and play with you and carry you around and I like that! You'll have your independence all too soon little Peach. I love that you still need me (even if its a 24 hour need at times!) You make hilarious faces. You love playing blocks. You love your changing table. Its your happy place, I swear! As I write this, I am bummed that i haven't blogged funny stories along the way. Like the time you literally pooped into my hand (more than once) and peed all over your own face. Surely you'd laugh at these stories but I haven't had time to record them all. That makes me sad. You are a funny little boy and I just don't have time to keep journals of it all. Work keeps my spare time to a minimum.

I do keep all of your milestones in my phone though and you are extremely close to "Sitting Up on your Own." You can basically do it unless you start to lean back. Your abs aren't quite strong enough to pull you forward, so you don't get your award yet for that milestone! Sorry little buddy. You also don't get your award for cutting a molar. Apparently the tooth we thought you had is merely a cyst. I know. Who knew it was possible, right? I think I've taken enough pictures and videos for you to one day look back on despite my lack of blog posting. I always have my phone with me and you know that phone as well as you know my face :)

Bek- I'm praying for a good day for us tomorrow. I don't know what the next week holds, but me and you just need 1 good day, okay? I love you love you! A bushel and a peck! Hug around the neck! You know I do :) Its the one song that makes you smile (and also Head, Shoulders!!) I am so thankful for YOU. I just pray, for your sake, that you can outgrow the things that make you so uncomfortable. I hate wondering if your belly is hurting or if the reflux is burning. Hang in there sensitive boy. We will get through this one way or another! If you want a sibling, the sooner we can get through, the better :) Then again, you'd probably prefer to be an only child! Spoiled is how I would describe you. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Right now. I won't say that in a year.

Pictures? Sorry folks. No energy to upload today. I'll try to back fill but don't hold me to it. Don't hold me to anything I say. Its the fatigue talking.