4 Months ... Just Keep Swimming ....

I can't believe that only 4 months ago we welcomed this sweet little boy into our lives. Thank God he was quite smaller than he is know. Apparently some woman just had a baby THIS size at birth. NO THANKS.

Oh Peach! (This is what Mom calls you) It feels like he's been here forever. It also feels like we haven't slept in forever. But that's neither here nor there. So much is happening with this man and so fast. My mom brought my baby book over this week and it has almost every milestone possible. First bottle. First time recognizing mom, dad. First time reaching for toy. First time grabbing toy. First EVERYTHING. I have written down next to NONE of these for Bekham. I blame work :) (I blame work for everything!) He is doing so well developmentally and I wish he could look back one day and see this to compare to his own kids. Its fun. Angel of a child ME slept through the night at 2 months. Bekham has yet to truly reach that milestone. He CAN go about 9 hours without requiring food, but he DOES require pacifier rescue/intervention if he wakes up. However, he contracted some kind of stomach bug/roseola/virus that has caused 2 or 3 nights in a row of almost ZERO hours of sleep for mommy and daddy. He screamed so hart the past couple nights/days, his voice is hoarse. Finally today he broke out in a rash which supposedly signals that the bug is gone. The kid has pooped probably 12 times the past 48 hours. I may be UNDER estimating. No lie. Every color in the book. Okay, not blue, red, or purple, but you get the idea! So, 9 hours with a simple pacifier intervention sounds like bliss now. The boy has required to be in someone's arms for probably 65 of the past 72 hours. Today was the first day he was truly content to play on the floor. It was crazy. I was on the verge of insanity. I have so much respect for any mom who has dealt with a sick child now. WOW. I mean, the past few times he's been sick, he's slept BETTER. Not the case this time.

We went to the pediatrician on Friday and little (long) man was 26.5 inches (95th percentile), He only weighed 14.95 lbs (50th percentile). So he's long and lean. He loves to sit up with a little assistance and LOVES to stand and play on his activity tables. The kid will stand for longer than I think he should, but he LOVES IT. If he's playing on the table, you don't really have to support him unless he starts surging side to side. His chunk legs are incredible strong!

Ironically, as much as he loves standing to play tables, he goes completely still in his bouncy/jumper. He'll smile and play with the toys, but he has no desire to bounce up and down or even apply pressure to the ground below him.

He also enjoys playing in his bumbo chair for short periods of time. What am I saying. EVERYTHING is for a short period of time for this kid. We have stations at our house and we move at a rapid pace through all of them! Here are some face of big boy in the bumbo. They all make me laugh.

Bekham can officially roll both ways. He enjoys it SOMETIMES. Other times it makes him completely irate.

We also joke that he likes to fist bump. He is now starting to open up his fists, but for awhile, this is all we got: Hit the rock mom.

We took some photos in this hideous Tennessee orange, but I had to do it for his daddy. Note, this shirt was a hand me down. This Auburn fan will spend NO money on that color orange. Not to mention I'm not a fan of dressing babies in college gear, so, you probably won't see much of that either. Sorry Tiger fans. I'm a loyal fan, but... I'll just leave it at that.

We got 2 shots at this appointment. This would be BEFORE that heart wrenching moment. he thinks he's a pretty big deal sometimes. This was one of those times.

All in all, being a mom is great. Being HIS mom is incredible. I love him despite that lack of sleep. Despite the terrible nap patterns. Despite all of the things that are seemingly inconvenient. He's 4 months old. He doesn't need to "fit into" a convenient pattern for Mom and Dad. He'll get there. Right now we are going to fit into his needs and build a healthy, trusting relationship with him. This sweet, smiling child, is hard. He's not laid back. He's not happy to play alone. He can't fall asleep just anywhere/anyhow. He's hard work. Worth. Every. Second. Every bounce on the ball. Every backache, bicep fatigue. Every tear (mine, not his).

I am, once again, so thankful for friends that support me through a hard, hard time in this boy's life. People who I never really talk to have reached out to me through facebook and they will never know the positive impact they've had on me. WHAT A BLESSING. Facebook can be a time waster/black hole when it comes to free time. But lately its been a place for me to go and receive encouragement. So again, you know who you are, and thank you.

One of the best things in my routine right now is taking runs (with the jogging stroller!). Preferably with a friend and her little boy, but we've had a couple runs on our own. They are boring. Bekham falls asleep and I have no one to talk to. But running with another mom is such a high. Those days just feel better all the way around. I just wish we lived closer to each other so it could be a daily routine rather than once or twice a week.

Well, I guess I'll wrap this up. Bekham, sorry I didn't record your "firsts." I'll try to get the big ones like crawling, walking, first words, etc. Just know that you are RIGHT on track for developmental milestones. The pediatrician actually said you were AHEAD of the curve. I'm sure by the time you have your own children, the standard will be set higher. They will probably be expected to read by 4 months. You can read your books. You just don't know what they say :) Its okay. Thats what Mommy is here for! Happy 4 months Peachy!

Light in the Dark

There's a reason I have not posted in ages. Okay, well, a month. But it seems like ages when I used to be blogging weekly! I need to be totally honest in this post because there is just some stuff inside of me that needs to come out and since I don't journal, blogging is the only way. Rest assured, by the end of the post, you will see wonderful 3 month pictures of our sweet boy, but getting there is going to be a journey.

First of all- let me start by saying that having a baby is EVERYTHING I ever dreamed it would be. Bekham is such a source of happiness, love, and joy. I cannot thank God enough for the blessing that he is in this family and in our lives. Now. Having a baby who is extremely challenging AND holding down essentially a full time job is NOT ANYTHING I ever dreamed it would be. It is hard. Impossible on most days. Lately, most days involve tears. Sobs. Breakdowns. Bekham is truly unable to sleep on his own. We used to be lucky to get 45 minutes out of him. Not we are luck to get 20. Usually I put him down and 2-5 minutes later he is crying. ALL OF YOU WHO ARE ABOUT TO POST ABOUT CRYING IT OUT, PLEASE DON'T. That tactic does not work on my baby. He reaches a peak scream that he can never come down from. By the time I go in to get him, he is hiccuping and gasping for breath while I try to calm him down. And it takes awhile. That method doesn't work for this mommy and baby. I know it worked for YOU and that's great! Please keep comments to yourself! Anyways, because his sleep is important, I usually have to end up holding him, bouncing him, rocking him, laying with him etc. to get a decent nap out of him. Mornings that usually means an hour. Afternoons it can be three hours. Sounds nice doesn't it? I can just lay with him and we can nap together? Wrong. I have to be working every minute he is sleeping. Also why I can't spend HOURS sleep training him. I need to get work done. So do I have even ONE minute to myself? NO. I am holding him when he sleeps and I am entertaining him while he's awake. Because not only does he require me to go to sleep, he rarely can be left unattended to play alone. Unless the TV is on and judge as you may, he watches TV now. Maybe,  just maybe I could have some sanity if my baby could sleep at night, but he is been waking some nights every hour, sometimes every 2, but most times every 3. Please realize, this means I am NEVER getting significant stretches of rest. My sleep MAY add up to 4-5 hours most nights and that is stretching it!

So darkness seems to be closing in around me. I have no life and no time to myself. Literally. I have no time to do laundry, to cook, to clean, nothing. Things that most moms can do during nap times, I can't because I am chained to the bed, or the ball, or the rocker. I can't get anything done with two hands. Am I complaining? Not really. I am just at the end of myself. I love Bekham so much and I HATE that work is getting in the way of my patience with him. I'd love to work on teaching to him to sleep alone, but I simply can't waste that much time without getting something accomplished. The other frustration I have is the fact that I really can't leave my house very often, because once again, I get behind on work. Lunch with friends? Nope. Play date? Nope. Small Group? Nope. Run some errands/go to the grocery store? Not without consequences of work stacking up. Sometimes I put these things on our schedule for a temporary break from the monotony of this house but I end up overwhelmed, stressed out, and neurotic when I walk home to all the work piled up for me to do... and then I hope and pray that Bekham takes a nap so I can get it all done. See above paragraph for how that usually turns out.

I look terrible. I constantly have bags under my eyes. I swear I've gained wrinkles over night. I am GAINING weight as working out is practically out of the picture on most days. I was in better shape when I was PREGNANT. So my self-esteem is dangerously low. My patience is paper thin. And I'm exhausted. Most new mom's would probably say the same, I guess its just amplified for me since I am also working around the clock.

God has been faithful. I always get my work done by the end of the day. He's given me a wonderful husband who steps in whenever he can. My mom is nearby should a crisis evolve. Unfortunately it always seems the days I need help are the days she is watching Jackson. Go figure. I have wonderful friends who are also new moms that are always there to pray for me when I text them, or offer sympathy because they've been through the same challenges. You know who you are- and I am so thankful for you.

A few lighter notes: Bekham has been to Church with us and has done well in the nursery every time so far! He FINALLY likes tummy time, most times :) He loves to stand up when you help him by holding his hands while he pulls up. He belly laughs. He likes to sit up with help. Biggest accomplishment as of last night: HE SLEPT FROM 9:30-3:00!!! Even more amazing? The last time he ate was 8:00. THATS SEVEN HOURS PEOPLE! SEVEN! Gosh I needed it. Yesterday was one of the darkest days of my life. That sounds extreme- but you cannot fully understand just by reading this one post. It's been building. Yesterday during one of my extreme sob sessions, I started telling God that He had given me more than I could handle and that He promised in His word he would never do that. I don't know if He knows that I truly can handle it, or if last night was Him taking some of the burden away. Either way- I know He heard me. If He knows I can handle this, there must be something to learn from it. I just hope I survive to find out what it is!

Alright, as promised, the photos. I do truly hope to have lighter posts to come. Maybe we are hitting a turning point.