4 Months ... Just Keep Swimming ....

I can't believe that only 4 months ago we welcomed this sweet little boy into our lives. Thank God he was quite smaller than he is know. Apparently some woman just had a baby THIS size at birth. NO THANKS.

Oh Peach! (This is what Mom calls you) It feels like he's been here forever. It also feels like we haven't slept in forever. But that's neither here nor there. So much is happening with this man and so fast. My mom brought my baby book over this week and it has almost every milestone possible. First bottle. First time recognizing mom, dad. First time reaching for toy. First time grabbing toy. First EVERYTHING. I have written down next to NONE of these for Bekham. I blame work :) (I blame work for everything!) He is doing so well developmentally and I wish he could look back one day and see this to compare to his own kids. Its fun. Angel of a child ME slept through the night at 2 months. Bekham has yet to truly reach that milestone. He CAN go about 9 hours without requiring food, but he DOES require pacifier rescue/intervention if he wakes up. However, he contracted some kind of stomach bug/roseola/virus that has caused 2 or 3 nights in a row of almost ZERO hours of sleep for mommy and daddy. He screamed so hart the past couple nights/days, his voice is hoarse. Finally today he broke out in a rash which supposedly signals that the bug is gone. The kid has pooped probably 12 times the past 48 hours. I may be UNDER estimating. No lie. Every color in the book. Okay, not blue, red, or purple, but you get the idea! So, 9 hours with a simple pacifier intervention sounds like bliss now. The boy has required to be in someone's arms for probably 65 of the past 72 hours. Today was the first day he was truly content to play on the floor. It was crazy. I was on the verge of insanity. I have so much respect for any mom who has dealt with a sick child now. WOW. I mean, the past few times he's been sick, he's slept BETTER. Not the case this time.

We went to the pediatrician on Friday and little (long) man was 26.5 inches (95th percentile), He only weighed 14.95 lbs (50th percentile). So he's long and lean. He loves to sit up with a little assistance and LOVES to stand and play on his activity tables. The kid will stand for longer than I think he should, but he LOVES IT. If he's playing on the table, you don't really have to support him unless he starts surging side to side. His chunk legs are incredible strong!

Ironically, as much as he loves standing to play tables, he goes completely still in his bouncy/jumper. He'll smile and play with the toys, but he has no desire to bounce up and down or even apply pressure to the ground below him.

He also enjoys playing in his bumbo chair for short periods of time. What am I saying. EVERYTHING is for a short period of time for this kid. We have stations at our house and we move at a rapid pace through all of them! Here are some face of big boy in the bumbo. They all make me laugh.

Bekham can officially roll both ways. He enjoys it SOMETIMES. Other times it makes him completely irate.

We also joke that he likes to fist bump. He is now starting to open up his fists, but for awhile, this is all we got: Hit the rock mom.

We took some photos in this hideous Tennessee orange, but I had to do it for his daddy. Note, this shirt was a hand me down. This Auburn fan will spend NO money on that color orange. Not to mention I'm not a fan of dressing babies in college gear, so, you probably won't see much of that either. Sorry Tiger fans. I'm a loyal fan, but... I'll just leave it at that.

We got 2 shots at this appointment. This would be BEFORE that heart wrenching moment. he thinks he's a pretty big deal sometimes. This was one of those times.

All in all, being a mom is great. Being HIS mom is incredible. I love him despite that lack of sleep. Despite the terrible nap patterns. Despite all of the things that are seemingly inconvenient. He's 4 months old. He doesn't need to "fit into" a convenient pattern for Mom and Dad. He'll get there. Right now we are going to fit into his needs and build a healthy, trusting relationship with him. This sweet, smiling child, is hard. He's not laid back. He's not happy to play alone. He can't fall asleep just anywhere/anyhow. He's hard work. Worth. Every. Second. Every bounce on the ball. Every backache, bicep fatigue. Every tear (mine, not his).

I am, once again, so thankful for friends that support me through a hard, hard time in this boy's life. People who I never really talk to have reached out to me through facebook and they will never know the positive impact they've had on me. WHAT A BLESSING. Facebook can be a time waster/black hole when it comes to free time. But lately its been a place for me to go and receive encouragement. So again, you know who you are, and thank you.

One of the best things in my routine right now is taking runs (with the jogging stroller!). Preferably with a friend and her little boy, but we've had a couple runs on our own. They are boring. Bekham falls asleep and I have no one to talk to. But running with another mom is such a high. Those days just feel better all the way around. I just wish we lived closer to each other so it could be a daily routine rather than once or twice a week.

Well, I guess I'll wrap this up. Bekham, sorry I didn't record your "firsts." I'll try to get the big ones like crawling, walking, first words, etc. Just know that you are RIGHT on track for developmental milestones. The pediatrician actually said you were AHEAD of the curve. I'm sure by the time you have your own children, the standard will be set higher. They will probably be expected to read by 4 months. You can read your books. You just don't know what they say :) Its okay. Thats what Mommy is here for! Happy 4 months Peachy!

Light in the Dark

There's a reason I have not posted in ages. Okay, well, a month. But it seems like ages when I used to be blogging weekly! I need to be totally honest in this post because there is just some stuff inside of me that needs to come out and since I don't journal, blogging is the only way. Rest assured, by the end of the post, you will see wonderful 3 month pictures of our sweet boy, but getting there is going to be a journey.

First of all- let me start by saying that having a baby is EVERYTHING I ever dreamed it would be. Bekham is such a source of happiness, love, and joy. I cannot thank God enough for the blessing that he is in this family and in our lives. Now. Having a baby who is extremely challenging AND holding down essentially a full time job is NOT ANYTHING I ever dreamed it would be. It is hard. Impossible on most days. Lately, most days involve tears. Sobs. Breakdowns. Bekham is truly unable to sleep on his own. We used to be lucky to get 45 minutes out of him. Not we are luck to get 20. Usually I put him down and 2-5 minutes later he is crying. ALL OF YOU WHO ARE ABOUT TO POST ABOUT CRYING IT OUT, PLEASE DON'T. That tactic does not work on my baby. He reaches a peak scream that he can never come down from. By the time I go in to get him, he is hiccuping and gasping for breath while I try to calm him down. And it takes awhile. That method doesn't work for this mommy and baby. I know it worked for YOU and that's great! Please keep comments to yourself! Anyways, because his sleep is important, I usually have to end up holding him, bouncing him, rocking him, laying with him etc. to get a decent nap out of him. Mornings that usually means an hour. Afternoons it can be three hours. Sounds nice doesn't it? I can just lay with him and we can nap together? Wrong. I have to be working every minute he is sleeping. Also why I can't spend HOURS sleep training him. I need to get work done. So do I have even ONE minute to myself? NO. I am holding him when he sleeps and I am entertaining him while he's awake. Because not only does he require me to go to sleep, he rarely can be left unattended to play alone. Unless the TV is on and judge as you may, he watches TV now. Maybe,  just maybe I could have some sanity if my baby could sleep at night, but he is been waking some nights every hour, sometimes every 2, but most times every 3. Please realize, this means I am NEVER getting significant stretches of rest. My sleep MAY add up to 4-5 hours most nights and that is stretching it!

So darkness seems to be closing in around me. I have no life and no time to myself. Literally. I have no time to do laundry, to cook, to clean, nothing. Things that most moms can do during nap times, I can't because I am chained to the bed, or the ball, or the rocker. I can't get anything done with two hands. Am I complaining? Not really. I am just at the end of myself. I love Bekham so much and I HATE that work is getting in the way of my patience with him. I'd love to work on teaching to him to sleep alone, but I simply can't waste that much time without getting something accomplished. The other frustration I have is the fact that I really can't leave my house very often, because once again, I get behind on work. Lunch with friends? Nope. Play date? Nope. Small Group? Nope. Run some errands/go to the grocery store? Not without consequences of work stacking up. Sometimes I put these things on our schedule for a temporary break from the monotony of this house but I end up overwhelmed, stressed out, and neurotic when I walk home to all the work piled up for me to do... and then I hope and pray that Bekham takes a nap so I can get it all done. See above paragraph for how that usually turns out.

I look terrible. I constantly have bags under my eyes. I swear I've gained wrinkles over night. I am GAINING weight as working out is practically out of the picture on most days. I was in better shape when I was PREGNANT. So my self-esteem is dangerously low. My patience is paper thin. And I'm exhausted. Most new mom's would probably say the same, I guess its just amplified for me since I am also working around the clock.

God has been faithful. I always get my work done by the end of the day. He's given me a wonderful husband who steps in whenever he can. My mom is nearby should a crisis evolve. Unfortunately it always seems the days I need help are the days she is watching Jackson. Go figure. I have wonderful friends who are also new moms that are always there to pray for me when I text them, or offer sympathy because they've been through the same challenges. You know who you are- and I am so thankful for you.

A few lighter notes: Bekham has been to Church with us and has done well in the nursery every time so far! He FINALLY likes tummy time, most times :) He loves to stand up when you help him by holding his hands while he pulls up. He belly laughs. He likes to sit up with help. Biggest accomplishment as of last night: HE SLEPT FROM 9:30-3:00!!! Even more amazing? The last time he ate was 8:00. THATS SEVEN HOURS PEOPLE! SEVEN! Gosh I needed it. Yesterday was one of the darkest days of my life. That sounds extreme- but you cannot fully understand just by reading this one post. It's been building. Yesterday during one of my extreme sob sessions, I started telling God that He had given me more than I could handle and that He promised in His word he would never do that. I don't know if He knows that I truly can handle it, or if last night was Him taking some of the burden away. Either way- I know He heard me. If He knows I can handle this, there must be something to learn from it. I just hope I survive to find out what it is!

Alright, as promised, the photos. I do truly hope to have lighter posts to come. Maybe we are hitting a turning point.

A Day in the Life

I looked at the date on my last post and realized its been an entire MONTH since I've blogged about little man! That's what happens when you essentially have 2 full time jobs. If I'm not feeding Bekham, changing him, playing with him, or putting him to sleep, I am chained to this computer busting out as much work as possible in the hours (Or less) that he is asleep. Actually, I do my longest stretch of work with Bekham in my arms. He will sleep 3 hours in the afternoon, but only if I am holding him, so I can log some great work in during that nap! I usually have to work one handed, so I'm slower, but, hey, it gets the work done! Totally not what I had in mind, but, whatever it takes, right?

A day in my life:

4:30am- Feed the man. Wash my face brush my teeth. Put on work out gear. Head downstairs
4:45am- Start Jillian Michaels Ripped in 30 workout DVD which KICKS MY BUTT. I can hardly do the modifications of her exercises sometimes!!!
5:15am- Eat a bowl of cereal and sit down to work until I hear those little whimpers on the baby monitor
7:00am- Boy is up and our day has started. Sing our good morning song (FAVORITE moment of the day). Change him (as he hasn't had a clean diaper for the past 12 hours- don't judge). Give him his medicine and sing absurd songs so he doesn't scream his head off. Feed him. (If we are on the left side, continue working with one hand while he eats.)
7:30am- Burp him for a good 20 minutes otherwise he projectiles his spit up due to reflux.
8:00am- Finally time to play! Usually under his mobile on his back. He HATES tummy time so we flat out DON'T do it!
8:45am- Swaddle the man and bounce on exercise ball until he falls asleep
9:00am- Put him in his crib and go back downstairs to work
9:30am- Awake as he only takes cat naps outside of my arms. Repeat 7:00am with the exception of medicine. Working again around 11am.
11:30am- The usual wake up, change, feed routine. Make my lunch while talking to him from a distance so he doesn't scream his head off. Put lunch in refrigerator to eat during next nap time.
1:00pm- This is the long nap. Walk computer and mouse up to my bed. Swaddle little man, sit indian style in front of computer and use abs to rock back and forth with Bekham while working with one hand
4:00pm- He's finally awake from the marathon nap. Change, feed, play. He usually skips this nap, which leads us to..
6:00pm- Feed. WITCHING HOUR UNTIL BED TIME
6:30pm- Try and get dinner ready SOMEHOW.
7:30pm- Bathtime
7:45pm- Last feeding
8:00pm- In crib
8:15pm- Awake. Go rock him back to sleep
8:30pm- Awake. Go rock him back to sleep
9:00pm- Work until everything is done
11:00pm- Go to bed
1:00am- Feed.
4:30am- Start from the top.

And because of this rigorous schedule, I hardly have new photos to post. HOWEVER, we are getting 3 months pictures taken professionally and I promise to share those! Bekham is a trooper. I finally know his cues and cries. I know when he's hungry, tired, in pain etc. Because of this, he truly prefers me the majority of the time when he gets fussy. Some may be bothered by that, but I love it. I love that he trusts me and knows I know him well enough to take the best care of him. He's just the greatest. He has his own personality and he is ADAMANT about getting what he wants. You should hear the lungs on this baby when he is put off for even 5 minutes! He's got a pout lip a mile long and a cry that will break your heart. Bathtime is a MUST in our nighttime routine. It totally mellows him out and soothes him. It cracks me up though to watch him in there. He zones out and hardly moves once you put him in. Just stares, sometimes smiles, and holds his fists tight to his chest. Pretty funny. HE LOVES lotion massages after bath and I also LOVE this about him. He likes me to massage his hands and feet. If he's crying, it calms him right down. I'd say Bekham isn't quite as laid back as some babies. In fact, he's somewhat high maintenance, especially in the early evenings, but when this kid is happy he smiles at EVERYTHING and it is to die for. I can't quite capture it on film yet, but when I do. You will melt!

Since my last post, we went to the doctor for his 2 month well check and shots. OH HOW I HATED THE SHOTS. And we are already cuing up for the 3 months shots. NO. The look on his face and the cry that follows is awful. I just wish he could understand that its to protect him and that I'm not the one doing it to him... technically. I blame the nurse! Bekham and I have also started a mom's bible study. There are 4 of us, each with a boy 5 months or younger. In fact, 3 of the boys are exactly one week apart all the way. It's fun to be in the same stage as these women and to know that we can have a Bible Study interrupted by cries, breastfeeding, and excessive bouncing to calm little ones. It was a joy. I truly look forward to our next time together .. this week!

All in all. My schedule is hectic. Late nights. Early mornings. Hardly any sleep in between. But I wouldn't trade it for my old life. Being tired and taking care of Bek is preferable to getting good sleep, an hour at the gym, and 8 hours in an office. Sometimes I may cry about it, but I still wouldn't trade it. I'm sure I'll have gray hair by age 28 and permanent bags under my eyes- but this is the greatest joy I've ever known. I fall alseep EVERY night thanking God OVER and OVER and OVER again for this life.

Hopefully another post when next weekend rolls around :) For now, Happy Valentines Day Week ahead :) Bekham and Daddy and I will be celebrating at Double Zero with Grammie and Grampie. Probably not the most romantic one we'll have, but definitely one of the most special!

My Little Winter Baby!

I have decided: There TRULY is nothing worse than a sick infant. Not knowing what hurts, why they're crying... their inability to communicate how they feel. Not knowing if a grunt is about to be a major blow out, or a massive reflux spit up... and preparing damage control for both! I've been puked on AND pooped AT. Yes, the poop was projectile. He's hacked up mucous on my chest. I've picked pink eye goop out of his eye. It's just a sad, sad story to watch a little one suffer when they can't understand why. It breaks my heart to hold him while he whimpers in pain, or screams for some unknown reason (to me) and know that I can't do anything to fix it. I couldn't take away his cough. I can't prevent the reflux (although we started prevacid today.) I can't take his ear infections away any faster than the amoxicillin, but oh what I wouldn't give to take all of his sickness on myself. I hate that he has had such a rough start to his life. I just want the best for him. I want him to be happy and comfortable and trust that I won't let him experience any pain. But, yet again, I've realized, that's not what God does for us. He doesn't make our life easy, comfortable, or without pain. I'm not saying that Bekham is going to LEARN something from these "trials." That would be ridiculous. What I'm saying, is I have another perspective of what it feels like for God to watch us go through pains and aches (whether physical or emotional). He can't take them away (rather, he sometimes chooses not to take them away), but he can offer comfort and peace through those times. That's my role for Bekham. Comfort him, hold him while he cries until it passes, and he loves me and trusts me in the end. Just as our trials draw us closer to the Lord, I feel like Bekham's issues are drawing him closer to me and building the trust that I do love him and am there for him when he needs me- unconditionally.

All that said, if you are reading this in hopes of getting pregnant, I suggest aiming for a spring/summer baby to avoid the plague of winter bugs! You just don't want this for you baby! There was a point this week where I just held him and cried silent tears. I knew his tummy hurt or he had heartburn, but I couldn't make him spit up or do whatever he needed to ease the pain. It was heart wrenching for me. I hated it. I'm sure I'll be a disaster when he gets his first shots this month. Lord help me. Literally.

In other news, we are well into working on the milestones of month number 2! Bekham continues to talk, smile, coo and even squeal when he gets really excited. He is VERY close to rolling himself over. He's got the leg part down, but the shoulder has yet to coordinate and follow :) It's funny to me. He can definitely coordinate his arm and legs to kick or hit toys above his head. I love it! While he does love his toys, he loves people more. He'd rather talk to me which I am perfectly okay with! He is already in and outgrowing his 3 month clothes. They need to re-size these things. I don't feel like they ever accurately fit the age they say they do. There's no way Bekham will be in these clothes when he is 3 months. Sad. Some of my most favorite outfits are size 3 months. I have started tracking his sleep/nap patterns and there are definitely consistencies which I am happy about. I do believe he could nap a little longer during the day, but he doesn't! Generally we are averaging about 10 hours through the night (with 2-4 feedings somewhere in there) and then 3 hours during the day. This boy prefers cat-naps of about 30-40 minutes over a couple good 1.5-2 hours naps. Whatever keeps him happy. You can set your watch to my son during the day. He doesn't miss the 2 hours mark without crying for more food. Such a boy.

Well- not much else to report today, but I do have some pictures, as always! Hoping next blog reports a very healthy baby!

First of all, this face cracks me up, but so do his fingers! Look how long they are!