How hard can it be to make that PLUS sign show on an EPT!?

I wasn't going to be a baby blogger. I wasn't going to be that person who took pictures every week and so on. Well, all that has changed. There is so much going on inside of me! Emotionally, physically, spiritually- I need this space. I need this area of the internet where I can just get it all out whether anyone reads it or not. I can't write fast, but I can fly on a keyboard- so blogging was the answer! And so the journey begins....

So, its official. After taking a total of about 6 pregnancy tests since we've been married, and having ALL of them return negative results, I thought I would never know what a positive test could look like! I take that back, I knew exactly what it would look like, I just thought I'd never know the feeling of reading my own positive result!
This weekend came and went and I talked myself out of buying the darn test on 3 separate occasions. Finally, after making pizza, I caved. I had been having these uncomfortable cramps very low in my abdomen and realized they were not your average menstrual cramps. I drove down to the CVS and bought the best brand I know of when it comes to EPTs and I bout a 3 pack this time! That way, I wouldn't have to go buy more when the next late period rolled around. I cannot express how many times I have taken these tests. Call me paranoid. Call me a hypochondriac. Its all true.
I got home and very nonchalantly walked upstairs expecting the same thing that always happens. Ripped that test open, did the deed, and waited a mere 4 seconds for that plus sign to show up on the window. Hands shaking in disbelief, I walked the test downstairs to Nick. 'WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?' he asked. For the next 5-10 minutes I think we were both in shock. Was this true? Was it really happening? How did it happen? How did TWO tests come back negative 2 weeks ago when I missed my period?
With a new job on the horizon for my husband, there were obvious stressors hitting him all at once. Can I keep working after the baby is born? Will he have to support all 3 of us? Are we ready? We don't know the answers to any of those questions. And while fear dominated my thoughts and my heart, there was an unsurpassed joy that finally, I was headed down a path that I have felt called to my entire life.
Shortly after, we met my parents for ice cream and told the news. Following that came the rest of the family. Everyone was excited. Everyone was supportive. Everything felt so right. Then, my fear and my doubt set in. What if this baby doesn't make it past the first 12 weeks? What if something goes wrong with my pregnancy? All the millions of questions I am sure every new mom-to-be finds herself asking. Sleep did not come easy last night. So I wrestled it out with the Lord. I prayed that He would protect this child. That He would continue knitting him or her together in my womb. That He would make every organ, every limb, every cell of this baby perfect and healthy. I committed this baby growing inside of me into His hands. That this child's life, however short or long it may be, will be used to glorify and honor him. To further His kingdom. Sleep came in spurts. Each time I would wake up- the same prayers went through my head.
At 5:00am my alarm went off, and here came a new day. Would the fears be back? Will I feel different going throughout the day knowing there is life inside of me? Yes- to both. I played some familiar worship songs while driving to the gym and while on the treadmill. The one that brought me to tears was "Be Near." As I sang the chorus: "Be near O God, be near O God of us, Your nearness is to us our good," I couldn't help but think how near God really was. He is actively knitting together a life inside of my body. He already knows everything about this life and I cannot even see it. I cannot even feel it (with the exception of the cramps). I cannot even imagine it. Supposedly it is the size of a poppy seed or maybe an orange seed depending upon how far along I am. How near God's hands must be right now.
At risk of writing a short novel as my first post, I guess I'll end by saying that I am placing all trust I can muster up in God- my Father- and the Father of this child inside of me. I know he is Good no matter what. He is faithful no matter what. And he loves both me and this baby more than I can even imagine. How great is the love that He has lavished upon us.