Sleep Training and My Heart is Breaking

I have one purpose for this blog and only one. DISTRACTION. Bekham has shown me some signs of readiness for sleep training. He refuses to let me rock him, bounce him, sway him to sleep. He started refusing swaddle and pacifier (which was always the magic touch). He started waking up some nights every 45 minutes and was inconsolable to go back to sleep where as he usually would just nurse to sleep. So, unfortunately, and against my will and better judgement, I have decided to let him cry himself to sleep. My heart is physically hurting and in pain as I currently listen to him scream upstairs. This is the fourth go. Last night went pretty well with almost NO full fledge screaming. Today's first nap took 50 minutes of crying/whimpering/fussing before he passed out bent over from sitting up. The second nap took 30 minutes (more screaming involved in this one), same sleep position. Unfortunately, both of those naps only ended up being about 40 minutes each so he is absolutely exhausted. So, here we are, shooting for one more little nap before bed time. 15 minutes in and this one is the worst of the 4. He is standing up on crib and just wailing. It is against every instinct I have not to rush up there and scoop him up. But the worst thing is- if i do that- he doesn't settle down or fall asleep. So its really lose-lose. Either I get frustrated and clawed to death in the process of holding him, or physically feel my heart break while he screams upstairs all by himself.

Everyone says this is the way to go. I'm not convinced yet. I'll give it 5 days. And not one day more. Maybe I'll have a success story to post by then, and maybe not. I'm just so sad for him and sad for me. Sad that the days of rocking and holding my sleeping baby are over. Sad that he wakes up now screaming and scared instead of cooing and happy. I'm praying this is whats best for him. I do know with 100% certainty it is not a selfish decision for me. I'm not trying to get more "me-time," or more sleep, or more freedom. Selfishly, I want to be up there with him. I'm trying to view this as a sacrifice for his good and as one of the first hard parenting decisions of many to come.

I. HATE. THIS.