Discovering God through a baby.

I know, 2 posts in 24 hours, right? Don't get used to it :)

Yesterday was a very hard day.  Yesterday was not an easy day compared to the other days of the past 4 weeks. At the end of the day, when Bekham was down for the night (Thank God I can count on long sleep cycles at night!) I started praying which is very normal for me these days. I find the best prayer time I have is at the end of the day when I am crawling in bed, literally at the end of myself. Many revelations invaded my prayer time. First and foremost: my prayer started with me selfishly telling God how exhausted I was and begging for an easier day tomorrow. Almost immediately, this is what invaded my mind: as hard as today was ... my boy is alive and well (believe me ... the way he cries ... his lungs are healthy as can be). I have been reading so many blogs lately that are heart breaking and I feel as though it would be selfish to ever complain about a bad day with a boy who is living, breathing, and healthy. I know there are many other moms that would give anything to have a baby crying and screaming and count it as a blessing. I immediately changed my selfish prayers to an outpouring of gratitude for the gift I've been given and entrusted wtih. As I reflected on my relationship with Bekham, my eyes were opened to God's desires for relationship with us. My mind just kept thinking of so many similarities between God's love for us and desires for us and how it parallels my love and desire for Bekham. I hope I can express in words what was going through my head last night! If i don't do it now, I'll never remember!!

1. When Bekham is crying and screaming (usually due to hunger or colic)- I just want to tell him to open his eyes! There is someone right in front of his face willing to give him what he needs, to comfort him, to provide for him, to be everything he needs in that moment. But often times he just leaves his eyes closed and continues to cry out. I can't help but imagine this is what we look like or act like with God. If things aren't going our way, or if we have a desperate need or desire that we think we cannot live without, God is literally right there waiting to be that comfort, that provider, everything we need at that moment. Can I open my eyes and see Him? Run to Him? Rest in Him?

2. Often times Bekham will get in a zone and just stare at a fan. Or a rattle toy. Or the ceiling. Even window sills, door frames, lights, walls, the list goes on. I call his name over and over again. I stroke his face. I make ridiculous noises. All in an effort to get his attention. To speak to him while holding eye contact with him. While often times, I am successful, there are definite times when he will NOT break his stare with inanimate objects. Again, I think of God competing with all of the distractions in our world. (Which are significantly more exciting than ceilings, walls, and fans). Do I refuse to hear God's voice or His calling because I am too distracted by things of this world? Is he calling my name but I am too focused on something else to notice, to hear?

3. Because Bekham has colic, there are many times it seems he is just going to cry it out and there is nothing anyone can do to stop him or alleviate his situation. However, if I hold him and rock him and sing to him and shush him long enough, he eventually gives in, goes completely limp, and sleeps harder than ever when he is in my arms. In the cradle he may last 1-2 hours. In the crib, 5-10 minutes. In my arms or on my chest- he sleeps so soundly I often have to move to wake him. His sleep is deepest with me. He fights and fights and fights, but when he gives in, its angelic sleep and he is more peaceful than ever. I feel like this is how we are with God. We may fight his plan and his will, but eventually, if we give in, truly rest in his embrace, the rest is peaceful and it is good and it is perfect. And we will be most content there. We may find rest in people, or in things, but this pleasure is temporary. Rest with our Creator is eternal.

There were so many others that came to mind- like knowing Bekham's needs before he does. When he wakes up ready to eat, I am not dumbfounded. When he needs a new diaper, I am not surprised nor caught off guard. I have diapers and wipes ready. His milk supply is always within reach for him.

There are things I do for him that he hates and cause him discomfort, but are for his best interest. Like putting lotion on after a bath. He hates it. Am I doing it because he's been bad? Or because I'm punishing him? No, I'm doing it because I know his dry skin needs lotion and its what is best for him. Does he like stripping down at the doctor's office? No, but I know whats best for him despite how he perceives it.

I haven't even hit on the obvious one: Unconditional love. I feel like any parent grasps that concept of our God immediately upon the birth of their child. There's no doubt in my mind God's love for us is unconditional. If I can love my son the way I do, my mind cannot begin to grasp how much God must love His creation.

So thank you Lord- for giving me such tangible examples of the relationship you desire with me. Thank you that you have used this little boy to draw me closer to you. Thank you for teaching me more about yourself through this precious little life.