Light in the Dark

There's a reason I have not posted in ages. Okay, well, a month. But it seems like ages when I used to be blogging weekly! I need to be totally honest in this post because there is just some stuff inside of me that needs to come out and since I don't journal, blogging is the only way. Rest assured, by the end of the post, you will see wonderful 3 month pictures of our sweet boy, but getting there is going to be a journey.

First of all- let me start by saying that having a baby is EVERYTHING I ever dreamed it would be. Bekham is such a source of happiness, love, and joy. I cannot thank God enough for the blessing that he is in this family and in our lives. Now. Having a baby who is extremely challenging AND holding down essentially a full time job is NOT ANYTHING I ever dreamed it would be. It is hard. Impossible on most days. Lately, most days involve tears. Sobs. Breakdowns. Bekham is truly unable to sleep on his own. We used to be lucky to get 45 minutes out of him. Not we are luck to get 20. Usually I put him down and 2-5 minutes later he is crying. ALL OF YOU WHO ARE ABOUT TO POST ABOUT CRYING IT OUT, PLEASE DON'T. That tactic does not work on my baby. He reaches a peak scream that he can never come down from. By the time I go in to get him, he is hiccuping and gasping for breath while I try to calm him down. And it takes awhile. That method doesn't work for this mommy and baby. I know it worked for YOU and that's great! Please keep comments to yourself! Anyways, because his sleep is important, I usually have to end up holding him, bouncing him, rocking him, laying with him etc. to get a decent nap out of him. Mornings that usually means an hour. Afternoons it can be three hours. Sounds nice doesn't it? I can just lay with him and we can nap together? Wrong. I have to be working every minute he is sleeping. Also why I can't spend HOURS sleep training him. I need to get work done. So do I have even ONE minute to myself? NO. I am holding him when he sleeps and I am entertaining him while he's awake. Because not only does he require me to go to sleep, he rarely can be left unattended to play alone. Unless the TV is on and judge as you may, he watches TV now. Maybe,  just maybe I could have some sanity if my baby could sleep at night, but he is been waking some nights every hour, sometimes every 2, but most times every 3. Please realize, this means I am NEVER getting significant stretches of rest. My sleep MAY add up to 4-5 hours most nights and that is stretching it!

So darkness seems to be closing in around me. I have no life and no time to myself. Literally. I have no time to do laundry, to cook, to clean, nothing. Things that most moms can do during nap times, I can't because I am chained to the bed, or the ball, or the rocker. I can't get anything done with two hands. Am I complaining? Not really. I am just at the end of myself. I love Bekham so much and I HATE that work is getting in the way of my patience with him. I'd love to work on teaching to him to sleep alone, but I simply can't waste that much time without getting something accomplished. The other frustration I have is the fact that I really can't leave my house very often, because once again, I get behind on work. Lunch with friends? Nope. Play date? Nope. Small Group? Nope. Run some errands/go to the grocery store? Not without consequences of work stacking up. Sometimes I put these things on our schedule for a temporary break from the monotony of this house but I end up overwhelmed, stressed out, and neurotic when I walk home to all the work piled up for me to do... and then I hope and pray that Bekham takes a nap so I can get it all done. See above paragraph for how that usually turns out.

I look terrible. I constantly have bags under my eyes. I swear I've gained wrinkles over night. I am GAINING weight as working out is practically out of the picture on most days. I was in better shape when I was PREGNANT. So my self-esteem is dangerously low. My patience is paper thin. And I'm exhausted. Most new mom's would probably say the same, I guess its just amplified for me since I am also working around the clock.

God has been faithful. I always get my work done by the end of the day. He's given me a wonderful husband who steps in whenever he can. My mom is nearby should a crisis evolve. Unfortunately it always seems the days I need help are the days she is watching Jackson. Go figure. I have wonderful friends who are also new moms that are always there to pray for me when I text them, or offer sympathy because they've been through the same challenges. You know who you are- and I am so thankful for you.

A few lighter notes: Bekham has been to Church with us and has done well in the nursery every time so far! He FINALLY likes tummy time, most times :) He loves to stand up when you help him by holding his hands while he pulls up. He belly laughs. He likes to sit up with help. Biggest accomplishment as of last night: HE SLEPT FROM 9:30-3:00!!! Even more amazing? The last time he ate was 8:00. THATS SEVEN HOURS PEOPLE! SEVEN! Gosh I needed it. Yesterday was one of the darkest days of my life. That sounds extreme- but you cannot fully understand just by reading this one post. It's been building. Yesterday during one of my extreme sob sessions, I started telling God that He had given me more than I could handle and that He promised in His word he would never do that. I don't know if He knows that I truly can handle it, or if last night was Him taking some of the burden away. Either way- I know He heard me. If He knows I can handle this, there must be something to learn from it. I just hope I survive to find out what it is!

Alright, as promised, the photos. I do truly hope to have lighter posts to come. Maybe we are hitting a turning point.