I am so weary of reading blog posts and facebook posts about perfect sweet angel sleeping babies. I am happy for these moms, I truly am, but it does nothing for my emotional instability. I love Bekham and I wouldn't trade him for a baby who sleeps through the night. Don't get me wrong. But that doesn't mean I want to be bombarded by moms who seem to have everything under control. I always believed I was created to be a mommy. I also truly believed I would be good at it. The best in fact (for my kid- not someone else's!) Yet another failure. I lose my cool. I lose my patience. I am in tears quite often. This is not the Mom I wanted to be. Nor is it the wife I want to be. I wanted to make this job look easy to Nick. I wanted him to think it was the most natural thing in the world for me to raise Bekham. I wanted him to love me more because of the Mom I am/was. I think Nick probably wants 0 more kids. I am a disaster. We don't sleep. We can't do much extracurricular activity with Bek (or without). Today I told Nick he could go golfing with the guys. Guess who screamed ALL day and slept NONE? That's right. Bekham. (And me!) Usually the crying adds up to maybe a half hour total for a whole day. Sleep is probably a close competitor :) But today.... if you added up his crying/screaming, we are talking HOURS. Maybe 4 or 5? He was plain unhappy and every time we got him to sleep, the minute we lowered him into crib, awake and whining. On normal days, we can set him in crib once he's asleep and he'll go at least 15 minutes. We aren't even getting 15 seconds out of him. Literally. Losing. My. Mind.
All this to say- if it were just a sleep issue, I could get by on being tired. Throw in inconsolable crying- I'm shaky. Throw in vomiting after adding solids to the diet KNOWING this means I'm even MORE chained to breastfeeding than ever... I'm a disaster. I was LIVING for the day that solids could get us past the 2-3 hour cycle feedings. HAH. God is CLEARLY working on developing patience in me. I do believe that God is teaching me and molding me through all of this. Sacrificial love. Patience. Endurance. Perseverance. Humility. 99% of the time- I am just flat out unattractive. Even when I "do my hair and makeup" - i use this term loosely, I feel ugly. Even after buying new bright summer clothes, I feel fat and unattractive. My perspective is tainted, I know. Please don't start an intervention for me. I am very in tune with my condition.
Why am I writing this may be your natural next question. Because I refuse to fake a perfect family of 3 existence over here. We are struggling. This is hard. However, we are confident that God will give us the grace we need each day to survive this phase. We are confident God chose US to be Bekham's parents for a reason. That ALONE enables me to do the work I need to do each day. It is well with my soul that this is "our lot." I accept it. I embrace it. I PRAY that this too shall pass and we will look back on this time with rose colored glasses and say "it wasn't really that bad." I am confident that WILL NOT happen but one can dream, right?
Bekham- if you ever read this- which would also shock me- I love you more than you'll ever fully grasp. You make me SO mad when you insist that I bounce you to sleep for half an hour and my back aches. You make me SO mad when you wake up 10 minutes after I lay you down. BUT. The minute we lock eyes- the anger is gone. You melt my heart. You make me laugh. You make me proud to be your mom even if I fail you OVER and OVER and OVER. You bring your dad and I such joy. We sat and laughed today together at one point while you were having a crying spell that we couldn't shake you out of. YOU ARE SUCH A HARD BABY TO TAKE CARE OF. But you are EASY to love. EASY. You are kissed more than you probably prefer. Your daddy and I love to kiss you on the lips :) You'll be embarrassed now if you are reading this. I love your little shape and size so much. I kiss all over you right before bath time. You reach for our faces with your little hands and my heart stops. You are perfect. You have the sweetest little feet. You are obsessed with them. You have a skinny little belly and you laugh when I kiss you on your belly button. You are ticklish on your thighs and feet and armpits. You love to play with flowers or any greenery/plant. You love the pool. You love fountains. You love tupperware. You hate your carseat. You hate the jogging stroller. You hate sleep. You love food but your body can't tolerate it and it breaks my heart. My dreams of eating butternut squash together have been shattered! You are in no hurry to crawl and I am 100% okay with that despite your buddies who are all very close to getting mobile. The longer you wait to crawl, the more you need me to pick you up and play with you and carry you around and I like that! You'll have your independence all too soon little Peach. I love that you still need me (even if its a 24 hour need at times!) You make hilarious faces. You love playing blocks. You love your changing table. Its your happy place, I swear! As I write this, I am bummed that i haven't blogged funny stories along the way. Like the time you literally pooped into my hand (more than once) and peed all over your own face. Surely you'd laugh at these stories but I haven't had time to record them all. That makes me sad. You are a funny little boy and I just don't have time to keep journals of it all. Work keeps my spare time to a minimum.
I do keep all of your milestones in my phone though and you are extremely close to "Sitting Up on your Own." You can basically do it unless you start to lean back. Your abs aren't quite strong enough to pull you forward, so you don't get your award yet for that milestone! Sorry little buddy. You also don't get your award for cutting a molar. Apparently the tooth we thought you had is merely a cyst. I know. Who knew it was possible, right? I think I've taken enough pictures and videos for you to one day look back on despite my lack of blog posting. I always have my phone with me and you know that phone as well as you know my face :)
Bek- I'm praying for a good day for us tomorrow. I don't know what the next week holds, but me and you just need 1 good day, okay? I love you love you! A bushel and a peck! Hug around the neck! You know I do :) Its the one song that makes you smile (and also Head, Shoulders!!) I am so thankful for YOU. I just pray, for your sake, that you can outgrow the things that make you so uncomfortable. I hate wondering if your belly is hurting or if the reflux is burning. Hang in there sensitive boy. We will get through this one way or another! If you want a sibling, the sooner we can get through, the better :) Then again, you'd probably prefer to be an only child! Spoiled is how I would describe you. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Right now. I won't say that in a year.
Pictures? Sorry folks. No energy to upload today. I'll try to back fill but don't hold me to it. Don't hold me to anything I say. Its the fatigue talking.
Aw Aly. I'm so sorry to hear that sleep is still so hard to come by for little Bek. That takes a toll on a person both mentally and physically and I am so in awe of you for handling it while also WORKING and saying yes to husband golf time!! (Would be a big 'hell naw!' coming from me to Steve. Lol But I channel the Wicked Witch of the West when I'm sleep-deprived...)
ReplyDeleteI had to laugh when you said you hoped to look back on this time and remember it as not being so bad. Steve and I are still scarred from Sam's younger months and it's getting to be like some whacked-out fisherman's tale. "He only slept 3 minutes at a time! I don't think we did laundry for a solid 4 months! I drank coffee by the gallon!" and so on. ;)
Thinking about you and praying for you...xo
OH Aly! I am so sorry but if it makes you feel any better, I too have been there! I know how tired, frustrated and discouraged you are right now and I can tell you that it will pass! I promise! I have been right where you are and honestly wanted to jump off the back deck at times (ha) but one day something will just click in Bek and he will be a whole new kid. Its like a light switch and its crazy! Crazy good though! I by no means want to tell you what is right or wrong but I will tell you what we did that helped our situation. I was dead set on breastfeeding Luke as well and sadly had to stop due to his reflux. He was switched to many different formulas (trying to figure out what would stay down) and we finally came across one (Similiac for spit up- the light green top) that works. I started by giving him formula only at night to hopefully make for a more peaceful transition into the night because I was determined not to abandon BF all together but eventually I switched to it all day because it worked so well. He feels better, and it stays down. Like I said, It was a huge blow to my pride as well as my spirits but it works and Im happy I did it now because he isn't in pain anymore. We also switched reflux medicines a few times until we found one that worked with his body. We are using Prilosec (which is compounded into a liquid) and he takes it 2 times a day. Like I said, this was all tried in desperation and it worked. I am still big on BF and will try again with the next baby but I came to realize that Luke just does better on formula that suits his tummy. Ill keep you in my prayers. Something that my mother in law told me that has always held true is.....babies will push you until you think you are absolutely going to break and then right before you do, they will out grow it. Hopefully you know that you will look back on this one day and see how wonderful of a mother you truly are and how much you conquered! good luck!
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ReplyDeleteOh, Aly, I'm so sorry it's been so hard. It's hard to be calm, peaceful, patient, and unruffled when motherhood is going smoothly. Much less on so little sleep. Everything is exacerbated on sleep deprivation. Everything is 100 times harder, more overwhelming, more impossible-seeming. I hope you can give yourself a whole lot of grace and know that God is with you, filling in your gaps. And we ALL have gaps.
ReplyDeleteI also hope you know that motherhood is hard -- for everyone. Even the people with perfect babies who never cry and sleep through the night from the time they come home from the hospital (Ha! I don't believe those babies exist!) You have the added challenges of a poor (should I say terrible? :) ) sleeper, throwing up, and reflux. Honey, anyone would be unraveling. I remember the despair I was in when Caleb was first born. I was shocked to learn that motherhood is nothing, NOTHING!, like babysitting. I felt like my entire existence was about him, like I was gone and didn't exist anymore. I was only Caleb's mom. It was exhausting, frustrating, and completely depressing. But it didn't last. And you won't always feel this way. Know that in your soul. YOU WON'T ALWAYS FEEL THIS WAY. IT WILL GET BETTER. In the meantime, lean on the Lord. Know you can't do this on your own strength. He is with you. He is enough. You can trust Him. And when you disappoint yourself, shower yourself with grace. Bask in God's grace. And know everyone disappoints themselves. You are not alone.
Someday you will look back on this and shake your head. You'll say, "Man, Bekham was a hard baby! I don't know how we survived it. But we did! And look at him now! It's no wonder we waited 10 years to have another one ;). I sure wouldn't trade those beginning horrible days for anything."
As much as you can, be patient with yourself. Be patient with God as you wait for Him to answer your prayers about Bekham. And continue to reach out for prayer and support. We all love you! And we're behind you!
Aly, I am so sorry - I know how hard the lack of sleep can be on a mom. I am praying for you a lot! You are a good mom, and the exact mom that God hand-picked for your sweet little baby. Rest in that.
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